I’ve been a bit grid locked on what I should even write here lately. I’ve had some of the most transformational months of my life, and have encountered God in ways I never really thought possible. But when it comes to what I should share about, it just goes blank. Part of me thinks it doesn’t really matter, because you can read however much you want about God and never encounter Him. So what’s the point in reading? Whatever we don’t have to start out so bleak…
This last month transitioning back into the real world has been one of the toughest months of my life. Going from constant 24/7 community who were lit up with passion and love for God to my parents basement…yet again, has been painstakingly lonely. From spending my days on my face in worship with hundreds of people to utilizing the little closet underneath my stairs as a prayer closet. All I’m saying is I’m struggling. I think this is the place where that’s okay to say things like that. No job, back in the basement, trying to find community, trying to figure out what this life looks like now – a life fully surrendered, one I’m not tirelessly trying to control.
It was easy to imagine the jobs, the community, the opportunities that the Lord was setting up for me months before coming home. It was easy to look ahead at the uncertainties three months ago and assuredly say that God was making a way where there seems to be no way. But, what about now? Where there doesn’t seem to be a way paved by God, I don’t see the community that I’ve been praying for since April. I don’t have the job that I was sure would be easy to get once coming back. I mean after all, I did obey God to leave it all in the first place. Isn’t it His job now to piece my life back together…and on my timeline?
The old Meghan would look around at this point and be like, see, I gave God a full month to pull it together and God’s not showing up, it’s my job to make things happen now. It’s my job to buckle down and make my future what I want it to be. But I don’t want anything outside of God, I don’t want to be the person who struggles to trust God even when it’s hard until I spend my whole life controlling and micromanaging outcomes. I don’t want a life that I’ve carefully crafted. So that means I sit in the struggle. That means I sit in the uncertainty. That means I fight every urge in my body I have to be like, “God, let me just handle this, I can do it better…I can do it faster.”
Last night as I was literally just crying in bed because I can’t help but to feel disappointment and a bit of fear, I was telling Jesus I love Him. I’ve prayed for the job, I’ve prayed for the community, I’ve prayed for the future…I trust He knows my needs, I don’t need to belabor the point. All I could eek out was “Jesus, I love you.” And in that moment the words running through my head, which I can only assume was Holy Spirit were, “this right here, this is your greatest honor.”
It totally threw me off, but of course it is. Alone in my bed, uncertain of nearly everything in my life, battling my fears, grappling with my insecurities, still just enamored by the beauty and loving kindness of Jesus. It isn’t my greatest honor to love God when my life is falling perfectly into place. It isn’t my greatest honor to love God when I see the blessing, and everything makes sense to me. It isn’t my greatest honor to love God when He’s crafting my life the exact same way I would…in my exact timing.
It’s my greatest honor to take this sliver of an opportunity on this side of eternity to choose God when things aren’t going how I thought they would. It’s my greatest honor to love God when nothing makes sense and every night seems to end in tears. It’s my greatest honor to love God not DESPITE the struggle, but BECAUSE of the struggle. It’s my greatest honor to declare that even now – God’s joy is my strength. It’s my greatest honor to be a human who struggles, and still gets to choose. My greatest honor is choosing to love God at all times…because not even the angels have that choice.