Ugh. There’s a reason I’ve been avoiding writing a blog post in a while. I’ve told people who have asked that it’s “writers block”…more like, “God block”. I really really really really really don’t want to write this one. FOR REAL. And I have to be honest – I’ve been like throwing a little tantrum about the fact that God asked me to share this. Guess I haven’t gotten used to the fact that my story was and is never going to be about me – imagine that, the world doesn’t revolve around me.
You guys, I used to HATE being alone. And I don’t mean like – alone time – I’m a high introvert…so yeah, I like alone time. I mean, I was always that girl who was talking to, dating, in a relationship with SOMEONE. As soon as one relationship would end – you better believe I had another one lined up. Seriously – since I can remember my world revolved around boys. See what I mean…who just puts this crap out there about themselves? WHO DOES THIS. Like, goodbye any future dating life – it was nice while it lasted.
Anyway, I was that girl, you all know the kind of girl (or boy) I’m talking about – always. with. someone. always. talking. to. someone. I was only as valuable as the boy who was dating me thought I was – and yikes, sometimes that was pretty low. My worth fluctuated with what boys said about me – I was only as happy as my relationship was. When I was in a relationship – I would drop friends, I would drop passions, I would drop family, if you weren’t a boy…dropped – It was obsessive.
The crazy part about it all was that because of how the World tells us relationships should be – it actually seemed pretty normal, honestly, it was never really alarming to me – or the people I was with. I think these high functioning codependent relationships are not only normal – they’re the majority. Anyyyywayyy – that’s another post.
If you’ve read this far you’re either thinking “this girl is a nut case”or “dang, me too”. Either way – I’ve come out on the other side – and I think I have some things to share.
First – being single is really great.
I used to meet girls who were like totally cool with being single – and they seemed like unicorns to me – like, okay, cool, you’re not real. But, I’ve now been single for over a year and a half (longest stretch ever) – and dang – it’s pretty cool. Like I don’t have to tell anyone where I’m at, I don’t have to text anyone all day if I don’t want to (can we just agree this is the worst), I don’t have to sit on the phone and talk to someone (yeah, I’m a chick, and I hate this), I don’t have to check with someone before I spend money (I don’t have a shared budget), I don’t have to worry about someone else’s feelings, If I want to travel – I can just go, If I want to not do my laundry on a particular day – I just don’t…I mean, I could go on – but I don’t want to make all the married people jealous. Either way – I think as a society we put relationships and marriage on such a pedestal that we forget that singleness can really be a gift if you let it.
Do I have days where I’m like, shoot, coming home to someone might be nice? Sure. But do I also have days where I’m literally in tears at the goodness of God that he would give me a season like this? A season where it’s just me and Him. 100%. This season is probably the most precious time to me I’ve ever experienced. I hope everyone at some point gets to know what a season like this is all about. 10/10 would recommend. Because God will blow your mind with it. And once you get to this place where you really love your life and love your relationship with God – it’ll take someone pretty great to make you want to share your life with them. It takes away the desperation, and that right there is a gift. That right there is how it was always supposed to be.
Second – being single is really hard.
I don’t blame myself for searching for acceptance in men. It’s honestly easier and a quicker fix than having to face what you don’t like about yourself. It’s easier than actually dealing with your insecurities. Feeling like crap about yourself? A “you’re beautiful” text will make you forget all about it…for like an hour. This past year and a half has been a struggle. All my flaws and wounds just getting uncovered – and God pretty much being like, “okay, great, now that I have you alone – there are some things we need to work on”. It sucks, but in a “therapy sucks, but not really – I’ll keep going back” kind of way. Anyway – I understand why I avoided facing myself for all those years.
Not to mention – everyone looks at you a little sad when they know you’re single. I’m always getting told to try online dating, or let me set you up with so-and-so, or don’t worry you’ll meet someone soon. Or some of my favorite conversations are when I tell people I could see myself having a lot of kids in the future, and they’re like “well, you’re going to have to get on that pretty soon if you want to make that a reality”…AWESOME, THANK YOU, I will consult you in the future with my family planning. Single people know exactly what I’m talking about. Those conversations where you leave being like – I wasn’t worried, but now I’m a little worried. They happen more than I think any of us would like to admit.
This world makes it SO hard for people who are searching for contentment in singleness to actually find it. True story – I told someone the other day that I’m really working hard at contentment during this time of being single – and I swear, with the look on their face you would’ve thought that I was speaking another language. They just go – “huh, that makes no sense…but okay. Have you tried Match before?” Stop.
Third – it’s okay that it’s both.
I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up for not being content with my single life, and I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up for feeling content, almost like guilty that I’m happy without someone. And one thing God is really speaking to me lately is – it’s okay to feel both/and. It’s okay to admit that you want to get married. It’s okay to admit that you like buying $50 shampoo and conditioner – and are glad you don’t have to explain that type of purchase to anyone. It’s okay to feel lonely, but still have a great, intimate relationship with God. It’s okay to not want to talk for hours on the phone with someone. It’s okay to struggle with singleness, and it’s okay to cry with joy that this season is upon you.
It’s all okay. For a long time I didn’t think it was okay, because if I admitted that I wanted to get married, or I admitted that I don’t always love being single – that I was admitting that God wasn’t enough. And that’s just not true – God puts this desire in our hearts, and He wants us to be honest about it. But on the flip side if I admitted that I was content – then would God give me marriage? Like if I’m really that content, am I giving up on that dream and desire? You get what I’m saying? It’s almost like I’ve spent a lot of time trying to find the PERFECT balance of expectancy and contentment – and I’m not sure it exists, and if it does I have yet to find it. But ultimately, God can handle our mood swings. God can handle us on those days when it hurts not having someone, and God can handle us on those days when that “someone” doesn’t cross your mind once. God’s not intimidated by our fickle hearts.
Be free to feel my single friends, and deeply engage in this season. Allow yourself to be honest with God and others. And while you’re so busy extending grace to others – extend a little to yourself while you’re at it. But most of all – don’t endlessly wish this precious time away, and don’t be scared of facing yourself head on. If I can do this – literally anyone can do this.
Disclaimer – I am in no way against the use of online dating platforms. I am against people pushing online dating platforms on others. Ya know?