Oh man, you guys, I really don’t want to write this one.
With nearly all my posts so far, I’ve really wanted people to read them…this one…this one I hope slips through the cracks, just because I’m a big baby. I literally almost titled this post “Talking about Regular Rocks” – because who would read anything about regular rocks? I mean…irregular rocks – a definite maybe…but regular rocks? I’d only attract the sociopaths with that one. Okay, I’m stalling…
I’ve really been wrestling God on this – because I’m sure to accumulate some haters. I’m sure to offend or piss someone off, I’m sure many people won’t agree with me here, and that sucks…but, I don’t work for the people. I don’t answer to the ways of the World. I’ve been worried about fitting in to the World for 25 years – and I have got to get over it.
The devil is in my ear right now. Telling me how incredibly unqualified I am for this, how hypocritical I may look to people, “how could you have anything to say to people about relationships and sex – your past is a train wreck”.
God keeps telling me “Meghan, sweet girl, die to yourself. What the devil meant for evil – I want you to use for good…right. now.” So, reluctantly, I will, but just so we’re both on the same page – I really don’t want to be writing this. And I really hope no one reads it…because at least then I can say I followed God – not my fault no one read it. Maybe by the time I actually hit “publish” my attitude will change – but for now, I’ll just keep sweating…and stress eating Sanders sea salt caramel chocolates (Aunt Tina – thank you).
My mom begged me since I was a little girl not to have sex before marriage. I guess I was sort of committed to the idea – the way I heard about it from the church made it sound pretty scary anyway so, why would I do something not only bad…but also terrifying? Oh, and I got like a nice little ring from my parents on my 14th birthday if I promised I wouldn’t have sex – so that sounded like a steal.
Then…I became less committed to the idea. Had my mom ever been a teenager? Probably not if she thought getting all the way to marriage without having sex was even possible. Everyone was doing it! Had any of the people in my church been to college? Nah, they probably all skipped that part of life.
What I think I failed to understand from the very beginning was that sex before marriage feels good, and it’s still not meant for before marriage. I never got that message.
Let me explain: I work in substance abuse prevention. I’m sure you all went through a D.A.R.E program, or something like it. In this program we’re told, “drugs are bad”, “drugs are scary”, “do drugs and your brain will look like this (cue picture of ground up, moldy meat)”. But, ya’ll, have you ever done drugs? (Yeah, me neither…) They feel good. They don’t feel scary at all; they can make you feel happy, calm, outgoing, productive, or excited. They make you feel exactly how you want to feel in the moment. The very first time you do drugs you will have known that Officer Dave lied to you – because drugs do exactly what they are suppose to do – they work (for about 2-4 hours – or 14 hours if you got that extended release ya knowww?).
They used fear to hopefully derail us from ever going down that path, and 99% of the time, fear doesn’t work. When we go into schools now, our first message to kids is never “don’t do drugs or you’ll end up homeless and die” – It’s “kids, drugs work- they feel great, but let me tell you why it’s not worth it”.
The same is true for sex. I was so afraid of sex. The way it was talked about made it seem scary, and bad – and then I had sex (don’t judge me please). Guess what? It felt good, really good. It didn’t feel bad, it wasn’t all that scary, it made me feel connected, it made me feel like I was desired and wanted, it made me feel closer to my partner. Ultimately it felt like all those people telling me not to have sex just didn’t want me to be happy. They wanted to keep their “grown up” things away from me. And shoot – emotional damage who? I didn’t feel “damaged”, it was fine, I was fine, everything was fine…what’s the big deal?
So – I’m going to start this the same way we talk our kids about drugs…
Guys – sex feels good, if you’re reading this you more than likely already know that. You want more intimacy in your relationship?…it works! You want to feel more connected?…this will do the trick! You’re feeling the “itch” (ew- who am I that I even just said that)?…this will take care of that!
Okay, also, sex is GOOD! It doesn’t just feel good, but it was literally a gift created by God for our pleasure – for GOOD! That’s right, God intended sex for good – for the most intimate form of worship. Literally – a way to WORSHIP God. With all that being said, He ALWAYS intended it only for marriage…
BUT, it just isn’t worth it before marriage. It’s not. Before I lose you – just read on – you don’t have to agree with me at the end of things, but at least get this perspective. I’m not going to shove Bible verses down your throat about where it says to wait for marriage because when I was growing up none of that necessarily resonated with me. Now – it does, but I’m going to try to approach this from a somewhat secular stand point because YES there is LOGICAL, secular reasoning to why you should still wait…
Reasons why sex before marriage isn’t worth it:
Having sex before marriage totally messes with your emotions. For all of you who are sitting there thinking to yourself I can totally have sex without even getting emotionally involved…That’s the entire problem. Guys, sex is SUPPOSED to be emotional and intimate. That is the entire point. So – if it has become something that you can do with zero attachment and little to no emotion – I have a really strong feeling that when it comes time for you to actually connect intimately with your husband or wife you will struggle to do so. You have become numb to how insanely amazing sex can be – and no, I’m not just talking like one good night of sex, I’m talking a lifetime of sex with just one person – that can be the best sex of your life.
We all want intimacy and connection – that’s why sex is so abused – it’s a quick answer, it’s a quick glimpse at what your heart desires, but it’s also what’s dulling intimacy and connection. It’s also what is confusing people about connection. It’s also what’s screwing people up for healthy relationships. People are equating sex with love. People aren’t learning how to connect intimately without sex…and it’s creating a society of some seriously emotionally messed up people – people who don’t know how to express love sans sex. The physical relationship you have with someone should be ONE of many ways you show love…not the ONLY way.
Sex is about giving to another person, not getting all you can out of another person…so – if you’re emotionally vacant when it comes to sex – I guarantee that you aren’t thinking about the other person you’re with – I can promise you – you’re just trying to get off. A gift from God has been turned into an egotistical conquest.
Take porn for example – if you’re watching porn – you are numbing yourself to the reality of sex. Period. Not many people are saying this these days because it’s become so widely accepted, but porn is ruining relationships. It is ruining your chance at true intimacy, and it is completely destroying minds. It is creating a crazy false sense of what “normal” is – and it is twisting people’s desires. It’s not normal to fantasize about an abusive sexual relationship…It’s not normal to fantasize about random people having sex…how is it normal to fantasize about children? – I’ll stop there, but you know it’s out there.
It is habit forming and addictive. Porn supports sex slavery, drug abuse, and child abuse. This isn’t just a “Christian” viewpoint – this is scientifically proven. I’ve always been really passionate about this point of view – even when I wasn’t a Christian. Because if you think about any of it logically – NONE of it makes sense…and almost NO ONE is talking about it. Did you know that they are literally referring to porn as the “new drug” because it is quite literally wiping families out – but no one wants to tell that story. Please seek guidance if this is a problem in your life – save any hope of having healthy, life-giving future relationships.
So okay, let’s say you’re NOT emotionally vacant when it comes to sex, and you’re getting physical with someone you actually really like – you might even think you love them.
Now, how many relationships do you know of that have started with things getting physical pretty quickly? Honestly, and you know I’m honest, most of my friends are getting physical within the first month (and that’s being generous). When you have sex with someone (or even get overly physical) your emotional intelligence and reasoning plummets.
You have a hard time thinking objectively about the person you’re with after you’ve had sex, you are in emotional la la land and it becomes hard to make the right choice about whether or not to continue dating that person. You are definitely not of clear mind once things start to get physical. Can I tell it like it is? Once the physical relationship takes the front seat – the emotional/intellectual relationship usually gets stuffed in the trunk. What happens when that emotional relationship gets the boot? You stop having those hard conversations, you stop learning the important things about the other person, you stop caring as much about the things that actually do matter when determining if this person would be a good partner for life.
Now – I’m sure to get some, “Well, my boyfriend and I have sex and still learn about each other”. Yes, I get it… I’ve been there, it’s not like you stop talking to that other person and never learn another thing about them. What I mean is that red flags get over looked. Problems that would normally be reasons to walk away get brushed under the rug. Things that used to matter to you don’t matter as much – because hey! The sex is really good, and you feel wanted, you feel loved. Listen – I’ve been there done that so many times it makes me nauseous. I promise – reality and judgement gets seriously skewed once things head in that direction.
I’ve heard this, and I’m sure you’ve heard this too “Yeah, I should probably leave her, but the sex is really good”. I’ve heard it from girls too…think about that one for a second.
All this rampant sex before marriage is negating the desire or need for actual commitment. If you can get sex anywhere – why on earth would you tie yourself down to one person for the rest of your life? That sex will get boring…Wonder why people aren’t settling down as early as they used to? Because why would they? You can have sex without the commitment – without the added responsibilities…without the responsibility of serving another person.
You mean, I get to have all the sex I want – and I get to just worry about serving myself? Count me in. See what a problem that is? I guess many people won’t – because even our ideas about love have been messed up. Not many people truly think love is about serving another person – it’s about what I can get out of it. How can I benefit from this relationship? How can I get MY needs met? How does this person fit into MY life? What can YOU do for ME? – huh, where do you think this mind shift started?
If you think it’s too late for you – it’s not. It is never too late to regain control of your relationships and your mind. It starts with repentance and forgiveness, and it ends with amazing grace and unconditional, all consuming love.
So, what does real intimacy look like?
Real intimacy is two people who have spent time actually getting to know each other emotionally and intellectually. Two people who have logically decided that they are a good fit for each other. Two people who care deeply for each other’s heart, mind, and soul, two people who come together and have a dynamic relationship with God (or – for secular reasoning – a higher purpose or calling), two people who have decided that they want to serve each other for the rest of their lives.
Two people who have committed themselves to God and each other in front of their friends and family, and then two people who make love to each other in worship to God on their wedding night.
Two people who have spent months in temptation and longing, finally get to give in – with no shame, no guilt, and with the knowledge that that same person won’t sneak out before morning. Two people who know for certain that He or She doesn’t just keep them around for the sex, but for their mind and heart. Two people who know the level of commitment that is between them. THAT is real intimacy, THAT is why you wait, THAT is why you regain your purity and allow Christ to make you clean. THAT is why you spend time healing from your twisted, messed up, broken views of sex and love and start to understand how God designed things.
It wasn’t until I really understood God’s perfect design for sex that I began to actually want to wait – that I began to no longer really even desire that imitation intimacy. It wasn’t until then that it all made sense.
I bet my mom is like crying reading this right now…
Also, update – still don’t want to publish this.
Also also, adding the picture of Emma Stone made me feel better about things…